Roommate Conflict Resolution

Student leaders hand-picked by Residence Life staff to serve in every living area to:

• Foster community
• Create accountability for university and living area policies
• Act as a resource to residential students

Resident Assistants hold regular community gatherings. After business hours, an available RA is on-call to help residents with emergency situations. They exist to listen to concerns, answer questions and respond to student needs.

Professional, full-time staff who provide leadership and supervision for RAs and residents. Each living area is assigned at least one RD. These team members are responsible for encouraging all residents to develop:

• A sense of community through the development of personal responsibility
• Basic living skills
• Self-discipline and a lifestyle of personal excellence within all living areas
• Communication and conflict resolution skills

Contact your RD during business hours to set up an appointment, as office hours may vary.

Introduce yourself if you haven’t already and start to correspond on a regular basis. Set up a time to talk on the phone or online to continue to get to know each other better. It will be helpful to open the lines of communication and allow planning for your future as roommates.

As you get closer to August and you start to shop and pack for college, it is a great idea to compare notes and plan together. Here are some important topics to discuss prior to moving in:

• What are you bringing for the room (TV, computer, mini fridge, microwave, furniture, electronics, any big items, etc.)?
• What type of room decorations are you planning to bring?
• Is anyone coming with you to help you move in?
• What time will you arrive?

• Where are you from?
• Why did you choose to come to GCU?
• What is your major?
• What do you enjoy doing in your spare time? Hobbies? Interests?
• Do you know many other people coming to GCU?
• What are your sleep patterns like? Do you stay up late? Get up early? Nap?
• What type of music do you like? Do you plan on bringing speakers or headphones?
• What are your favorite movies? Shows? Video games?
• Are you planning on getting a job while at GCU?
• Are you introverted or extroverted? Do you feel energized by being around others, or need some quiet/alone time to function at your best?
• How do you feel about having guests over?
• What does clean mean to you? How often do you anticipate cleaning your space?
• How much time do you anticipate studying? Is there a time of day you’d like to study? In room? Or elsewhere?
• What happens when you feel stressed?
• Do you know what your conflict style is? Accommodating? Avoiding? Compromising? Collaborating? Competing?
• If we do have things that need to be discussed how would you prefer I approach it?

Hello (Future Roommate's Name),

My name is (your name here). We are going to be roommates next year and I wanted to reach out and say hello! (Choose a few questions from above to answer about yourself.)

Example:

1. Why I chose GCU?
   Example: I came on a discover trip to GCU and had so much fun I knew it’s where I wanted to go for college! I loved the idea of getting to have nice weather throughout the fall and spring semester.
2. Where are you from?
   Example: I’m from Michigan so the thought of getting to enjoy warmer winters is so appealing. I’m really looking forward to spending time outdoors and getting to go camping and hiking year around!
3. What is your major?
   Example: I’m a nursing major. I’ve always wanted to be in a career where I can help people. I know I will have to study pretty hard, but I have pretty good study habits and am looking forward to learning.
4. What do you enjoy doing in your spare time? Hobbies? Interests?
   Example: As I mentioned above – I enjoy being outdoors. I look forward to exploring Arizona, going on hikes and camping. I also heard Campus Rec has weekend and fall break trips I can sign up for, so I’m really looking forward to getting to participate in some of those. I love hanging out with friends – grabbing dinner, hanging out by the pool or watching movies.
    

That’s a little about me. I’d love to learn more about you and set up a time to talk! I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

(Your name here)

When move in day comes, do what you can to be present and enjoy the day. It’s going to be new, exciting and maybe a little scary. Here’s a few tips to ease the stressors of move-in day:

• Try to be friendly to the new people you meet. You never know who might become a friend. Remember to smile to show you’re approachable and to help put others at ease.
• The exciting part comes with getting to set up your room. Discuss plans with your roommate(s). Some may be a give and take, but the more you work together, the more content you will both feel with your space. Working together is a fun way to break the ice and make the day a memorable first one for you and your roommate(s).
• Get to know GCU’s campus. Your roommate(s) are as new to this as you – so invite each other to grab food, attend Welcome Week activities and find out where classes will be located. Your Resident Assistants or Resident Directors should be able to direct you to resources for finding events and getting plugged in on campus.

Remember, some of these things may be outside your comfort zone but push yourself to try new things and meet people because this is the start of great college memories!

The roommate agreement process initiates communication, establishes shared living expectations and responsibilities and provides a great foundation for roommate satisfaction.

Roommate Agreement

• Communication is the key: Open and ongoing communication is critical to establishing and maintaining a positive and successful roommate relationship. Completing a roommate agreement together and practicing effective communication techniques will build the foundation for a respectful and enjoyable experience.
• Be clear from the beginning. Do you already know that it bothers you when someone hits the snooze button several times? That you’re a neat freak? That you need ten minutes to yourself before talking to anyone when you first wake up? Let your roommate know as soon as you can about your little quirks and preferences. It’s unrealistic to expect your roommate to read your mind, and communicating what you need is one of the best ways to prevent conflict.
• Address things when they’re small. Has your roommate eaten your last package of ramen noodles? Does his typing late at night keep you awake? Addressing things that bug you while they’re still small can help your roommate be aware of something she may not otherwise know. Addressing little things is much easier than addressing them after they’ve become big issues.
• Respect your roommate’s belongings. This may seem simple, but it’s typically one of the top reasons roommates experience conflict. Don’t think he’ll mind if you borrow his headphones? Her clothes? Talk through what is okay to share or borrow and what is off limits. Don’t assume that because your roommate told you it was okay to use his laptop, that you can use his bike. Also talk about how often it’s okay to use something – borrowing something once in awhile is different than everyday.
• Be aware of who you invite into your room and how often. You may love having your study group use your room, but your roommate may not. Be mindful of how often you bring people over. If your roommate studies best when it’s quiet and you study best in a group, alternate who heads to the library and who uses the room.
• Lock the door and windows. This may seem like it has nothing to do with roommate relationships, but how would you feel if your roommate’s laptop got stolen during the 10 seconds it took you to run down the hall? Or vice versa? Locking your door and windows is a critical part of staying safe on campus.
• Be friendly, without expecting to be best friends. Successful roommate relationships are not dependent on friendship. While a great friendship may or may not develop, be careful not to expect that you are going to be best friends for the time you’re in college. Expecting or depending on it sets both of you up for misunderstanding or disappointment. You should be friendly with your roommate but also make sure you have your own social circles.
• Be open to new things. Your roommate may be from someplace you’ve never heard of before or may have a completely different religion or lifestyle from your own. Be open to new ideas and experiences. That’s why you went to college in the first place!
• Be open to change. You should expect to learn and grow during your time at school and so should your roommate. As the semester progresses, realize things will change for both of you. Be comfortable addressing things that unexpectedly come up, setting new rules and being flexible to your changing environment.
• Address things when they’re big. You may not have been totally honest with tip #2. Or you may suddenly find yourself with a roommate who goes wild after being shy and quiet the first two months. Either way if something becomes a big problem, address it quickly so it doesn’t become worse.
• Try on some new shoes. Before making assumptions, try to step back and think about what your roommate’s perspective may be in a situation. Then ask your roommate and LISTEN. You may not agree but it will help to open your mind to different opinions and experiences.

Living in small spaces with anyone is bound to cause conflict every now and then. Learning how to handle roommate issues is key to preventing the situation from getting out of control. Here are a few ways to prevent roommate conflicts:

• What are you experiencing with your roommate?
  • If you and your roommate are avoiding each other or little things have become issues out of no where — it might be time to have a conversation.
• How to approach your roommate:
  • In person conversation is best (avoid texting)
  • Use “I feel” statements
  • Don’t talk behind their back
  • Create a good time to talk that you both agree on
  • Address the “action” not the person
  • Be patient and listen
  • Give each person time to speak
  • Utilize roommate agreement if necessary
  • Compromise
  • Ask your roommate what you can do to be a better roommate and support them
• Communication:
  • Advocate for what you want
  • Fill out the roommate contract
  • Address problems before they build up
  • Notify RA for assistance if needed
• Expectations:
  • Remember that everyone has had a different upbringing and may not come from similar backgrounds
  • Respect each other’s differences (values, lifestyle, expectations and communication style)
  • Christian school with Christian values but not statement of faith
  • Prepare for conflict to happen (sleeping schedules, cleanliness, sharing, etc.,)

The conflict process is student-driven, and your RA and RD will guide you through the three-step process. When working through the conflict resolution process, it is important to remember the following:

• Review the Roommate Conflict Resolution Process and remember that this process moves at your pace and your follow through.
• Take note of everyone involved in the conflict (e.g., roommates, friends, the RA’s name and RD’s name).
• Manage your expectations throughout the process and know that this process is going to take time.
• Conflict can sometimes be uncomfortable. Remember, you have the right to always feel safe but not necessarily the right to feel comfortable.

The key to successful conflict resolution is your involvement and effort.

Please note: GCU policy does not allow students to make decisions on room changes/switches.

If all stages of the roommate conflict resolution process have been completed and conflict still remains, the professional staff member involved (RD or RD supervisor) may determine that a room change should occur. Residence Life reserves the right to select which student(s) should change rooms and will work with students to find new accommodations on campus, taking into account each student's experience and actions.

Students are required to participate in the roommate mediation process before a room change is approved. This is to ensure that all students have the opportunity to intentionally engage in learning conflict management skills.

The transition to college and living on campus has likely been a long anticipated one. While the benefits are numerous and exciting, the autonomy that comes along with it may be a relatively new experience for many students. There is endless opportunity for growth and personal development as your transition to this new phase of your life adventure. Recognizing this opportunity is a great first step. We encourage you to consider questions like:

• How can I step outside of my comfort zone or the ways I’ve always done something to try something new?
• What does it look like for me to engage conflict with others from a mature and healthy perspective? Where do I currently struggle with that?
• What new interests would I like to explore as I transition to this new environment?

When it comes to your roommate relationships, whether you know your future roommate(s) well or you know nothing about them yet, you will be faced with opportunity to grow this year. Practice giving the benefit of the doubt to your roommate(s), seek to engage in open and regular communication, learn some details of your roommate’s story. Finally, remember that while becoming best friends with your roommate would be a delight, it is not the only outcome, and that is okay. Be aware of the expectations you may be holding of what your roommate relationships will look like and be open to flexible outcomes as well as seeking friendships in other places (a great option either way!).

There will certainly be many new experiences for you this year – some that will challenge you and some that will bring you joy. Remember that your RAs and RDs are there to help you along the way.

The Office of Residence Life is proud to partner with you in supporting your student's success. We welcome you to the campus community and encourage you to engage with the various staff members who will be present throughout your student's on-campus living experience.

Residence Hall Staff:

• Resident Assistant (RA): Student leaders selected to provide guidance, lead hall meetings and assist residents after business hours.
• Resident Director (RD): Full-time staff who supervise RAs and residents. Each living area is assigned at least one RD. Students can contact their RD during business hours to set up an appointment.

Services the RA and RD provide to all students:

• Emergency referral assistance
• Conflict resolution for roommate issues
• Facilities follow-up
• Prayer support
• Residential activities
• Referral for Life Groups
• Referrals for counseling assistance
• Proactive alcohol and drug awareness programs

Open and ongoing communication is the key to your student establishing and maintaining a positive and successful roommate relationship. Dialoguing with your student ahead of time regarding roommate expectations, flexibility and approaching conflict proactively will help your student be prepared to navigate their roommate relationships. For most students, this is their first time sharing a room and learning to live with someone who is not a member of their family. When a roommate conflict arises, the conflict will be resolved through the structure of the roommate conflict resolution process.

• Remain calm
• Filter your own emotions as a parent
• Remember there are two sides to every story
• Review the Roommate Conflict Resolution Process with your student
• Help your student understand the three-step conflict resolution approach process
• Encourage your student’s independence throughout the process (don’t take over the situation—allow your student to walk through this process on their own)

Most conflicts result from a lack of communication between roommates. Remind your student that as a member of the residential community, they are guaranteed a safe but not always comfortable living environment. Encourage them to talk with their RA for more assistance. Lastly, remind your student that conflict resolution does not happen overnight!